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10 Things I’d Never Allow on My Needles…

April 7, 2009

Okay.  I have been adding tons to my Rav queue lately that I would love to knit, but in my quest for that next lucky WIP I have stumbled upon several things I would NEVER KNIT, CAN’T imagine why anyone would want to knit them, and just think they are rather strange or impractial in general.  But, hey, who am I to judge a knitter and her designs! You’ll notice that most of these are sex related.  I am BY NO MEANS a prude, sex ROCKS! but still, I do think some of these knits take sexy to a WHOLE new level! Here are my top 10 “WTF?” Knits and Crochets… (all are linked to the Rav pattern page)

10. Knit Penis Chap Stick Holder

Okay, I can see knitting a cute holder for your chapstick, but why a penis shape? What do penises have to do with chapped lips…Oh…that’s why.  GROSS!! With an astonishing 140ish completed on Rav, I am wondering about the sexual practices of my fellow knitters…

9. Fornicating Deer Chart

Hehehe.  I giggle everytime I see this.  People have used this chart to knit hats, socks, you name it.  I can just imagine an old granny admiring the beautiful fair isle work only to notice that the two deer in the chart (both with antlers- which brings up a whole ‘nother issue of the sexual preference of the deer in question) are doin’ the nasty.  I can’t imagine a classy way to explain that to a 90-year-old.

8. Crochet Condom

Okay.  Condoms suck anyway.  Why would you want a fake one to carry around.  I see they are using it as a crochet hook cozy.  I would think men would not like the idea of such hooks near their most delicate packages.  But, once again, who am I to judge?

7. Childbirth Doll

If I didn’t want kids before, I sure wouldn’t want them after taking a gander at this beauty.  I mean were the pubs necessary? and the baby hanging out… EWW.  I know.  I know.  It is a natural, beautiful thing- childbirth.  But I don’t want to see it in crochet.

6. Heart

We aren’t talkin’ Valentine’s hearts here.  This is a knit pattern for a 3-D model of a real human heart.  I was a little wierded out when KNITTY put out this pattern.  With all the lovely submissions they get- why this one??   A little too Jeff Dahmer/Hannibal Lecter for my tastes…

5. Olive

Yes, a knitted olive. The little green thing with the pimento (I guess that is what it is and not some secret raw sushi-ish thing) inside.  Like life-sized.  Martinis are great, but I need a real edible olive for one of those.  I see no purpose whatsoever for a knitted freakin’ olive…

4. Womb

Here goes Knitty again with knitted internal organs.  A model of a womb.  Uterus.  Yep.  Knitted uterus.  Mine gives me enough damn trouble… at least I don’t have to see how f-ing creepy the thing looks.  It looks like one of those aliens in movies that attatches to your face to suck out your guts through your eyes.  Lovely.

3. The Dumb Baby Sweater/The Stupid Baby Bonnet

I don’t think it would be very nice to make this for your child.  or anyone else’s for that matter.  Though I know for a fact that many children are DUMB and STUPID, I just don’t think we should be classifying babies that way.  Couldn’t they have named it something a little more friendly.  Or maybe Sarah Palin was their mom and they really didn’t want to have that damn baby in the first place…

2. Baby Got Back Bloomer Panties

While I can recite from memory every word of that song- “Little in the middle, but she got much back!”- bloomers on my fat ass- NOT HAPPENING!!

And LAST but certainly NOT LEAST

1. My Ex

Okay. I have got to include a picture here.  creepy-knit-head

Yikes.  This is a HEAD! Like a real live, straight-from-a-horror movie, in effigy head. The disclaimer on the damn thing says “Do not extract teeth from any animals for this project.”  That right there raises my level of concern to somewhere in the Deliverence/Texas Chainsaw Massacre quadrant.  SCARY! and I love my hubby- so no ex’s for me anytime soon… Here is a link to adhdknitting’s blog.  Check it out- there was a contest for this pattern…

So what are your “I’ll-never-knit-that” patterns?  Or if you have knitted one of these, I’d love to see a FO! 🙂

3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 9, 2009 9:33 am

    Excellent list. Definitely agree with most of them…couldn’t find anything to add though.

    PS Am also attempting the 52 books in 52 weeks but from September 08-09. So far have managed 6! A rubbish attempt.

    • April 9, 2009 2:54 pm

      I have to force time into my schedule to read. Having the Kindle has really helped because I always have “a book” with me. And reading the series books make it easier too because I want to see what happens next. 🙂


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